Robyn Lee

There is nothing as terrifying and doubt-filling as casually browsing your husband’s phone only to discover your husband gets text messages or emails from dating sites and services. The horror of seeing messages inviting him to trysts and meet-ups is any wife’s worst nightmare. 

What does this mean? 

Is he being unfaithful to you, and should you confront him about it? What should you believe, and what could he say that would possibly set your mind at ease? How do you know he’s telling the truth about why he gets texts from dating sites?

This is truly a prickly pear to grapple with, and it can potentially mean the end of your relationship and divorce if it isn’t dealt with coolly and calmly. Here’s what to know and what to do.

Why Does My Husband Get Texts From Dating Sites? Three Possible Reasons Why

In the world of digital connectivity, it is so easy to get sucked into different online services. While your husband may become defensive should you confront him about the text messages or emails from dating sites you found on his phone, there are valid reasons why he might have received these. 

There is also the possibility that he has been playing you and using these services behind your back.

Spam Text Messages From Dating Sites 

The easiest excuse and also a viable reason he may be getting text messages or emails from dating sites is that his information has been legally sold to those sites by a third party. 

This often happens when a service provider such as your mobile phone or internet connection has sold your contact information as a mailing list to a central hub. From there, this information can easily be appropriated by sites such as dating sites, e-merchants, blogs, etc. Once the information is out there, it is really hard to tell where it may end up or where the information originated from. 

Just think of all the times you have received a promotional text message from a service you haven’t subscribed to or asked for information from. I know I get messages from the strangest sites and services, from funeral policies, life insurance, and gaming sites to local pet sitting services. How do these end up on my phone? These companies have purchased your information from a service you do subscribe to such as text notification for deals at your local supermarket. (Remember that little box at the bottom of the form in the T&Cs that you didn’t read? Yep, they sold your contact details!)

This means your husband has NOT been on dating sites, and he hasn’t requested that they text or email him. He is not cheating on you, and he really is innocent of the accusation of infidelity.

Phew!

What a relief, right? Well, somewhat. While he may not be guilty of cheating, you have to wonder why you suspected him so quickly. Are there other signs that may be warning you about infidelity? Or are you feeling insecure? If that’s the case, you need to work on your own self-esteem so you won’t suspect him of things based on your own lack of self-belief.  

His Information Got Leaked 

As we all know, hacking is rife. Companies have digital leaks all the time. While you saved your details to an online platform you use such as Netflix or Amazon Prime, a clever hacker leached off the contact lists from there. They don’t do this just for fun. Hackers want to make money, and they illegally sell these lists to “spam” sites such as dating sites, S&M sites, and other questionable sites.  

This may be one way in which your husband’s details ended up with the dating service, and this is why they are sending him text messages and emails. They are marketing their services to him, hoping he will respond. It doesn’t mean he has responded or used the services. 

Again, if you have begun suspecting him, you need to clean house and look after your relationship. Why did you suspect him in the first place, and why was it so hard to ask him about the messages? If there’s smoke, there may be fire (even if that fire is a tiny little candle). Get to the bottom of things to make your relationship sound and healthy again. 

He Is A Registered Site User 

Okay, your worst fears are confirmed and your husband is a user of this site. He is receiving text messages and email promotions since he has used their services and is going on dates. He is being unfaithful to you. 

The question is when he used their services. Chances are that he may have been a site user before you even met. Sites often dig up their old user lists and send out messages to try and get clients to return. Just because he did it before you were married doesn’t mean he is using that service right now. 

The ultimate challenge is finding out if your husband is unfaithful to you and actively using these dating sites. What can you do then?

He Isn’t Unfaithful, What Now? 

Okay, congratulations, your husband hasn’t strayed, and he isn’t planning on doing so. But you still suspected him or were sure he had cheated on you. Why? What made you doubt your vows and his? 

When you asked the question, “Why does my husband get emails from dating sites?” your first instinct wasn’t to laugh and cheerfully ask him what was up. Instead, your instinct was to look up PI services to follow him and check up on him. 

Let’s look at what may have caused you to doubt him and how to fix it:

You Have A Low Self-Esteem 

Many of us struggle with self-esteem issues. We aren’t exactly born with a great sense of who we are or what we’re worth. Our relationship is a place where we need to feel secure about who we are and how much we matter to our spouse. 

Yet we had a whole life before our relationship, and we may have suffered some self-esteem knocks in that time. This can cause us to nurse wounds to our selfhood, and we are constantly on the defense. 

We are waiting for life to prove our negative self-talk, right? Yep, you know what I mean. When you read those text messages from the dating site, your first thought was, “Oh, no, he’s finally decided I’m not good enough and he’s grazing elsewhere.”

How To Fix Your Low Self-Esteem

Your self-esteem is about you. While he may have ended up triggering self-doubt with these messages on his phone, you are the one with the issue, and you can fix it. Here’s how:

• Identify situations where you feel your low self-esteem manifest
• Develop self-awareness and take charge of your self-beliefs and your thoughts
• When you find a negative self-belief, challenge it and find the truth
• Discover where your negative thinking comes from and consciously choose not to believe this
• Adjust your thinking patterns and choose to think healthily and logically, discarding emotion-driven thinking that feeds into your low self-esteem
• Fill yourself with positivity by reading helpful books, surrounding yourself with positive and encouraging people, and using affirmations
• Discover your power by trying new hobbies, sports, or exercising

You Found It Difficult To Talk To Him About It 

Whenever a challenge to a relationship arises (such as finding spam text messages from dating sites on his phone), you need to be able to communicate with your partner and talk about it. Whether you are talking on your first date or talking later in your marriage, communication is important for couples.

The worst thing you could do in this situation is ignore the message and not talk to him but secretly worry about it anyway. This will cause resentment, and worst of all, he won’t have any idea what it is about. When there’s a relationship challenge, you need to talk to your partner. 

Work on your communication skills. It’s never easy to talk about something you think may end up causing a bigger problem in your relationship. The biggest problem is not communicating though. Try these tips for better communication and to help save your marriage:

• Stay calm and don’t get emotional as you don’t know what has happened, and you want to give him the chance to explain without him feeling like you are attacking him
• Breathe: You are going to be stressed, so take the time to breathe and listen to his answers
• Let him speak and don’t put words in his mouth; he has the right to explain himself, and you should realize that it may be uncomfortable for him to explain this embarrassing situation too
• Explain how this made you feel and why you were worried; don’t let this become an accusation, but talk about your feelings (you will feel better for it, and your husband will appreciate that he can help you deal with these feelings)
• Spend more time together since you and your husband have just faced a relationship challenge and you need to spend time together to affirm bonds and draw closer

He Is Unfaithful, Now What? 

Okay, worst-case scenario: You catch him with his hand in the cookie jar. Now what? Your husband has been visiting dating sites, and he has been receiving text messages and emails from these sites. Do you up and leave, or is there something you can do about this?

If your husband gets emails from dating sites, the chances are that he has been browsing online but hasn’t gone on any dates or contacted any of the ladies on these sites. He may be tempted, but he might also have used the sites more intensively by going on dates or meeting up with ladies from these dating sites. 

Perhaps he has not gone on any dates, and you may want to know why he would browse these sites. Is he unsatisfied in your relationship, and is this something he can discuss with you so you can communicate better and work on your relationship?

Whether He Has Gone On Dates Or Not

You need to communicate with each other. Make sure to approach the subject calmly, but be assertive. Let him know that this has broken your trust and you are unhappy with this. You may want to ask him why he did this. You are certainly entitled to know, but also keep in mind that people become defensive when attacked, and he may blame you. This is unproductive.

Having discussed that this was not just spam text messages from dating sites, you will have to decide whether this means your relationship is finished or whether both of you can work on your marriage. If he is disillusioned and bored, you can try to win him back. 

It would also be a good idea to get some relationship counseling to see where the gaps in your relationship are so you can both work on it. No relationship is perfect, and it’s best to work at things and not just tuck tail and run. 

FAQs For Why Does My Husband Get Texts From Dating Sites 

Is there a way to see if my husband has been on a dating site?

You can check the browsing history of his PC, and you can also check his email trash bin to see if there are any activation or promotional emails from dating sites there. If he has been on a dating site, you can check the extent of his activities by entering the site from his browser. 

Chances are he has saved his password on the PC and you will be able to access his profile. This will help you determine if this was just a passing interest or if he is actually looking for hookups. 

My husband is getting constant spam texts from dating sites. Does this mean he is using these services? 

If he is constantly receiving these messages (and especially if these messages are personalized), you can be pretty sure he has indeed become an active user of these sites. While this doesn’t mean he has gone on any dates and he may be playing fantasy dating league in his head, it does show where his mind is at. 

Dating sites send non-personalized messages to new or unregistered potential users. So if they have personal information about him, it may mean he has a profile with them. 

If my husband has been using a dating site, does this mean he is cheating on me?

Yes, he has. While there may have been no actual in-person contact between him and one of the ladies of the site, it does show you where his head is at. He is contemplating cheating on you or at least being with another woman. 

After all, cheating starts in the mind, and you wouldn’t want your husband to watch pornography, so why would you want him e-dating a woman while he is married to you? And no, it isn’t just looking at the menu and eating at home. He is dabbling with temptation, and how do you know where or if it will stop? 

If my husband has been receiving strange text messages, how do I know if he is cheating on me?

You may wonder about text messages that seem to not make sense. Your husband’s behavior will give you a better indication of whether he has been cheating on you. Is he:

• No longer seeking intimacy with you
• Taking his phone everywhere with him
• Insisting that you are unfaithful to him
• Suddenly grooming himself better and seeming happier in himself
• Avoiding your questions by deflection or using one-word answers
• Spending more money that you can’t see in terms of purchases
• Suddenly interested in new and different things that don’t include you
• Working out more and seemingly distracted at home 
• Frequently late from work or working late

A Final Text

So you have found messages or emails, and you wonder what they mean. You may ask “Why does my husband get texts from dating sites?” There is no valid reason for it beyond a technical glitch. 

If your husband is avoidant about questions regarding these texts or emails, then you have legitimate cause for concern. There may be things going on in your relationship you were not previously aware of. You have two options now: leave or fix things. 

Be sure to find out which of these options will make you happy. This isn’t about quitting, and it isn’t about “not giving up” either. It is about deciding whether you will be able to trust him again if you do manage to save your relationship. At the end of the day, you need to be confident enough in your marriage to trust him when he receives a strange message and says that he doesn’t know anything about it. 

Did you save your marriage after finding messages from dating sites on your husband’s phone? Or what did you do? Please share what you did in our social feed.

What is a transactional marriage? Is this a new thing? Is it even sustainable? Whatever questions you have about this kind of arrangement, this is your chance to clear your doubts. Here’s a question to start you off.

What do you think holds a marriage together? Like most people, you are probably thinking it is love. Well, you may be right. In a transformational marriage, love is the glue that holds the union. Partners have no issue with sacrificing individual needs for the sake of their union. 

But can the same be said of a transactional union, and why would someone agree to such a relationship? 

Full disclosure: Every relationship is transactional at some level. Think about it, if you weren’t getting anything from your marriage, would you really stick around? Wouldn’t you be better off striking out on your own? 

Now, this is an uncomfortable question, but this blog will shed some light on this divisive topic. Read on to find out everything you need to know about transactional relationships, from what they are and when they started to the benefits and drawbacks.

Transactional Marriage Meaning

No romance without finance! This line from Gwen Guthrie’s controversial 80s hit song sums up transactional relationships. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always about money. But finances play a big part in transactional unions. After all, everyone wants to feel secure.

On paper, a person with a fat bank account is immune to the unpleasant surprises that modern life dishes out. 

Back to the topic at hand. The best way to describe a transactional relationship is by thinking of it as a business deal. Here’s an example to drive the point home.

Despite what companies such as Apple and Amazon advertise, they are solely motivated by profit. If you can’t afford their services and products, then you most definitely matter less to them.  

It’s no different with you as a customer. Brand loyalty is a concept for the birds. If a competing company offered you better products for cheaper prices, you’d switch your allegiance without blinking. It’s a cold reality, but this is how transactions work. Quid pro quo!

Apply this concept to relationships, and you have an elaborate transactional marriage meaning. 

Background

Romantics find this idea sacrilegious. But you need to understand that transactional marriages are not a modern invention. In fact, they were common before romance was a thing. 

Turn the clock back to the 1800s. You will be hard-pressed to find a couple getting married simply because they loved each other.  Instead, race, background, financial status, and social standing were the determining factors for marriage. 

The result was that nobles stuck with nobles, traders married from the merchant class, and the peasants were left to their own devices.  

To further drive this point home, take the protagonists from the famous romantic play Romeo and Juliet. They might not have been nobles, but they were definitely not broke. Shakespeare didn’t write Romeo as a farmer’s son in love with Juliet. 

While this would have made for an interesting story, the idea was laughable back then. 

So transactional unions have no doubt stood the test of time. With both partners clearly understanding their roles in the union, the chances of conflict are very low. 

Transactional Marriages In The 21st Century

How does this play out in a modern setting, and what are the motivating factors?

While transformational marriages are defined by generosity, transactional ones are driven by self-interest. So the question then becomes, what do I have to gain from such a marriage? 

In the current economic and social environment, security and convenience are motivating factors for most transactional relationships. If we are being honest, the “good old days” are long gone. 

The reality is, well-paying jobs are hard to come by. Affording a home on minimum wage is a pipe dream, and you can’t buy a beer with a dollar. 

With this in mind, it’s easy to see why transactional arrangements are on the rise. After all, love alone won’t pay the bills, put a roof over your head, or provide safety during hard times. 

Does this mean traditional roles are common in transactional relationships? Far from it. For example, in the 1920s, the idea of stay-at-home dads was unheard of. The men went to work, providing for the family, while a majority of women stayed at home to look after the children. 

Nowadays, millions of men in transactional marriages are stay-at-home dads. They act as caregivers for the children as their wives advance their careers. 

What if there are no children involved? After all, with the child-free movement picking up steam, what’s the point of transactional arrangement in a marriage? This is where convenience comes into play. 

Let’s say a person has a busy career life. This would mean they would have little to no time for dating or pursuing a romantic relationship. Such a person would be okay with providing their partner with all the comforts they need. 

In return, they would expect all the benefits that come with a marriage. Over time, partners in this kind of relationship might grow to care for each other, but the underlying conditions of the marriage will remain relevant. 

Now, what is a transactional relationship characterized by? That is what I will be looking at next. 

Characteristics Of A Transactional Arrangement

Since all relationships have a transactional element, finding out if you are in a purely transactional union can be confusing. Here are the main characteristics of a purely transactional arrangement.

High Expectations

Don’t get me wrong, having expectations in a relationship is perfectly natural. However, partners in a transactional marriage use their expectations to determine the state of their union. You can go as far as saying that expectations, not love, form the foundation of such a marriage. 

Similar to business deals, expectations are agreed on early in the relationship. 

For example, a person might expect to live in a house of their choice and receive a certain amount of money after an agreed period of time. In return, their partner would expect them to take care of all household responsibilities. 

Using such expectations, they can both determine if the marriage is working or not. 

Self-Focussed

Self-interest is a driving factor in transactional unions. Every action is cataloged. Both partners keep scores. 

Before doing anything for your partner, you first ask yourself what you’ll get out of it. In such a union, generosity is regarded as wasted effort. Quid quo pro is the order of the day.

Compromise Is A Foreign Concept

Since transactional marriages are based on expectations, there is little room for compromise.  If your partner meets all your requirements, then you have no choice but to keep your end of the bargain. 

For example, let’s say your role in the marriage is looking after the children. Regardless of your situation, your partner will expect you to watch the kids. 

Even if you are not able to, they will expect you to find a solution that doesn’t inconvenience their plans in any way. This goes to show that lack of compromise and flexibility are hallmarks of transactional relationships. 

Lack Of Discussions

You might view disagreements as a bad thing in relationships, but partners in transformational relationships are no strangers to conflict. There’s a reason for this.

Conversation and discussions form the foundations of relational marriages. A person can air their views, no matter how radical. If their partner disagrees, then an argument will ensue. 

This is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a healthy process for any relationship. By finding common ground, partners experience individual growth in a marriage. They are also more than willing to fight for the relationship. 

This is rarely the case in transactional relationships. Pre-defined roles form the basis of how partners should interact. There is little reason for discussion. However, there’s more to this. 

Since discussion on complex issues like politics or religious views could lead to disagreements, they are avoided at all costs. After all, reducing conflict by maintaining the status quo is one of the main goals of a transactional marriage. 

More Taking, Less Giving

Love is the glue that holds transformational marriages together. Here, partners are okay with making sacrifices for the sake of the relationship. 

The opposite is true for transactional marriages. One views every little thing they do as an investment and, similar to a business transaction, they will expect returns for their actions. 

As you can imagine, this will create a selfish mentality over time. Instead of doing something for its sake, you will expect your partner not only to recognize your actions but to repay you as well.  

Prenuptial Agreements Are Part Of The Package

Nowadays, prenuptial agreements are common enough. However, the truth is, people entering a transactional union will demand a prenup before tying the knot, especially if they have considerable material wealth. 

Such a person knows that their partner is only with them because of the security they can provide. A prenup ensures that in the case of divorce or separation, they will leave with their assets intact. 

Of course, this makes sense on paper, but it’s not a concern for couples in a loving, transformational marriage. Since personal gain is not a motivating factor in a transformational marriage, you don’t have to worry about your partner short-changing you in the unfortunate case of a divorce. 

A prenup no doubt makes it easier when separating assets. But you should be clear and honest about your reasons for demanding one. 

Next, let’s look at the good side of a transactional marriage.

Advantages Of A Transactional Marriage

Equality

The problem with non-transactional unions is that your partner might take advantage of you. Of course, this would never happen in a loving relationship, but the lack of defined roles makes it a possibility. 

On the other hand, transactional relationships set the grounds for equality. Think about it. You know what’s expected of you and what to expect from your partner. 

Since you are aware of this, demanding what you are owed is much easier. This is not the case in a non-transactional arrangement. If your partner is unreasonable, they can easily argue that your demands are selfish and manipulative.

Certainty

Love is a drug. Like all drugs, it can make you do questionable things. Some relationships make perfect sense when you are in love. But once the honeymoon phase is over, you can’t help but question the logic behind your decisions. 

Ask any divorcee from a non-transactional marriage whether they ever thought about separation in the initial stages of their union. The answer will be a resounding no.

This rarely happens with transactional relationships. Since both partners know what they are getting into, they don’t have the luxury of setting unrealistic expectations. 

With clearly defined roles, you can easily gauge the state of your marriage and correct any issues early on. As a result, you are more certain and confident in your marriage since you are in control. 

Balance

While personal sacrifice is commonplace in transformational marriages, it’s not required in transactional relationships. Yes, the concept of sacrifice is noble on paper. And more often than not, it leads to inequality. 

This is usually the case in marriages where there is little to no communication. On the other hand, transactional arrangements ensure balance. 

You can be sure that your needs and desires will be met since your partner is well aware of their responsibilities. What’s more, there is no need for you to make personal sacrifices since your partner has to reciprocate everything you do for them. 

Security

No matter how much you love each other, separation is always a possibility. With non-transactional relationships, amicable divorces almost never happen. If your partner feels short-changed, then they might go to extreme lengths to “make you pay” during the divorce. 

Since affairs are mixed up in non-transactional marriages, separating assets can become a nightmarish experience. 

On the other hand, when transactional unions end, there is little chance of your divorce devolving into a pitched battle. Think about it. Love is not the basis for a transactional union. This reduces the chance of irrational behavior in the case of separation. 

What’s more, with clear rules, division of responsibilities, and the existence of a prenup agreement, your divorce will be an open-and-shut case. With these factors in play, there is no chance of your partner “taking you to the cleaners” when your marriage ends. 

Disadvantages Of A Transactional Marriage

Let’s be honest, most people won’t even consider getting into a transactional arrangement. After all, the concept is the complete opposite of the accepted model of a loving marriage. Here are the glaring disadvantages of a transactional relationship. 

It Stunts Individual Growth

Growth is impossible without change. The truth is partners in transactional arrangements rarely welcome change. You can argue that through clearly defined roles, transactional unions promote individual growth, but this is rarely the case. 

Think about it. The prevailing mentality in such a marriage is “As long as things are going as expected, why rock the boat? “

Yes, this approach reduces the chances of arguments and conflicts. But what it also does is reduce meaningful interaction with your partner. 

The result is that you both retreat to your own little bubbles where your opinions and world views are likely to stay the same. While this ultimately leads to a “peaceful” marriage, it comes at the cost of growth. 

A Boring Marriage

Make no mistake, love is a risky affair. It’s like taking a dive into the unknown; you never know where you will end up. It’s a scary prospect, but it’s so much fun. 

A loving marriage makes life worth living. Even in hard times, you always have something to smile about. Having someone to love unconditionally brings the best out of us. 

Look at it this way. Even though there are millions of unhappy marriages, you are willing to try making yours a success story. Will it work? No one knows. 

But giving everything you have to a cause you believe in, even when facing overwhelming odds, is the most beautiful thing you will ever do. 

Risk is the spice of life. It’s why approaching marriage as you would a business deal cheapens the whole concept. You won’t bother with going the extra mile. Why would you? 

You won’t fight to save your marriage. What’s the point? Maintaining the status quo is all that matters. Avoid rocking the boat at all costs. 

Finally, leaving your partner is a non-issue, especially if someone comes along with a better deal. Something is lost in a transactional relationship that makes the whole affair cold, calculating, and utterly boring. 

FAQs 

Are transactional marriages sustainable?

In all honesty, it depends on your motivations and what you want from marriage. If love and self-sacrifice are requirements for you, then you are better off going for a transformational marriage. 

However, if you don’t care much about these concepts, then there is a high chance you will be happy in a transactional arrangement. 

Are transactional marriages wrong?

Far from it. After all, all marriages are transactional in nature. When it’s all said and done, you should go with what works for you. If marriages based on love were the right path, then divorces would be unheard of. But this is not the case. 

How do I change a transactional marriage?

Make love and not expectations the foundation of your marriage. This way, you will be able to give more and expect less. Instead of keeping count of what your partner is doing, you will focus on what you can do to strengthen your marriage. 

By now, you should be well-informed about what a transactional marriage is, from where it began to its present nature, and also its good and bad sides. Knowing all these is important, especially if you are yet to tell the kind of marriage you are in. Take your time to learn your union, and always remember that marriage is a long journey that takes a lot of effort and sacrifice to be a success. 

Do you sit by yourself sometimes and wonder, “Why is my husband so mean to me?” Or perhaps you may ask your friends, “Why is my husband so mean and disrespectful to me?” 

There are no easy answers, and there is no single incident that has triggered this tide of rudeness that seems to flood over your relationship. But what do you do about a rude husband? 

Find out how to deal with a rude husband in this 10-step guide to stop relationship rudeness in its tracks. 

Do You Have A Rude Husband?

Relationships are never smooth sailing all the way. There are arguments, fights, and general nastiness that occasionally rear its ugly head in any marriage. However, what do you do when you realize your husband is down-right rude to you all the time? 

How do you manage an ill-mannered husband or if, like me, you end up always telling your best friends, “My husband is always rude to me!” What then? Finding ways to manage your husband when he is being rude is often a wife’s complaint, but realistically speaking, there has to be something you can do about it. 

This article will help you identify signs your husband is being rude to you, because the chances are that you may not even register half of the times when he is rude to you. 

We will look at the things you’ve tried to do to try and make him change his behavior, and we’ll consider why these have probably failed. Finally, we’ll look at the 10 steps you can take to change your rude husband to your kind-hearted partner again.

Signs Of A Rude Husband 

Firstly, rudeness doesn’t just happen because of no reason at all. It is something that grows like cancer, or it happens as a knee-jerk reaction to some other dramatic change in your partner’s life. 

Chances are he’s had a bad day at work where he was disrespected, and when he gets home, he feels drawn to flip the switch when he encounters any further challenges, thus becoming rude to you.

Perhaps your husband is disrespectful to you because he didn’t grow up in a home where his mother was respected, or he may have experienced relationship disrespect before, and now he is on the defensive as soon as he feels any form of judgment from you. 

The real reasons for his rudeness have many grounds, and you may never fully understand them all in detail. The why is not as important as the how. The how of his rudeness is what really hurts you, and it is this that we should be looking at changing.

The real problem is that we tend to accept bad manners, and before we know it, rudeness has escalated into full-blown abuse. Why? Rudeness is a lack of respect. When your partner loses all respect for you, they will believe they are allowed to be rude and abusive towards you. His “how” can turn into your “ow.”

Before you look at the signs of rudeness in your relationship, you need to keep in mind what rudeness is. It is a lack of respect. When your partner no longer values or respects you, it opens the door for rudeness to enter your matrimony. Look for these:

Doesn’t Ask Or Value Your Opinion

When your partner no longer even asks what you think, they don’t see you and they don’t value your take on things. This is disrespectful, and it indicates they don’t value you as an equal. A husband who doesn’t listen to you when you talk is indirectly telling you that your opinions and insights don’t matter.

Insults Become The Way Of Your Relationship

A partner who insults you without any concern for your feelings is also being disrespectful of you as a person and as their partner. Sadly, this can become the language of your abuse (never mind your love language). A tongue-lashing can quickly turn physical, so be wary of this form of rudeness as it can have really devastating effects.

You’re Part Of The Furniture

When your partner simply assumes you will do things because you have always done them, and they no longer even notice your efforts in the relationship, you are facing the fact that you are part of the furniture. 

They no longer consider you at all. This is the worst form of disrespect as you are dehumanized by your disrespectful husband. Simply put, he doesn’t see you.

It’s All About Him

If the whole relationship is about him, then he doesn’t support you in your own ideals and goals. This is a one-sided relationship, and it clearly indicates you are dealing with an inconsiderate and rude husband. 

Infidelity 

You promise to be faithful to your partner when you enter marriage, and they do the same. When your partner cheats on you, it indicates they don’t respect you as their marital partner any longer. It’s a shameful type of disrespect. 

What You’ve Tried With Your Rude Husband And Why It Isn’t Working

While you’ve probably tried any number of ways to try and convince your husband you are feeling slighted by his rudeness, the chances that these have worked are pretty slim. After all, you are still here, reading about rude husbands, which probably hints that you identify with this issue yourself. 

You may have tried to solve the problem of your rude husband yourself, and you may have also attended pastoral counseling and couples therapy, and even gone to a fully licensed marriage counselor. Perhaps you even moved out or threatened to leave him if he didn’t change. 

He may have temporarily changed, but eventually, things go back to “nasty normal” as your husband (and you) slide back into the old habits. And that’s the kicker: his rudeness has become a habit in your relationship. Is this relationship then worth saving?

How do you break the rudeness habit? It is, after all, extremely difficult as it is also contagious. Yes, that’s right! You have probably tried the tit-for-tat game and been rude right back at him. Sadly, this benefits nobody, least of all you. 

So, what do you do to find out how to deal with your disrespectful husband? You can start with these 10 steps.

10 Steps To Deal With A Rude Husband 

Rudeness will not be fixed with one single change. There is no panacea to fix his rudeness in an instant. Instead, you need to combine as many of the following steps as is necessary to help your husband realize the error of his ways and change for the better. 

As you will see, some of these steps require you to change, and these will also mean you have to step up your game and accept responsibility for yourself. It takes two to tango, and you need to also step out of the rudeness rumba if you want to save your relationship from your disrespectful husband. 

Step One: Put In What You Want Out 

Be sure to model the kind of behavior you want to receive back. If he is rude to you, be sure you are not rude back at him. 

You need to set the high ground, remaining above reproach for also being rude. After all, you can’t tell him he’s being rude, and it’s a problem when you are doing exactly the same thing back. Since you want respect, you should give him respect. 

Step Two: Take Care Of Your Own Needs 

Let go. No, don’t move out, but you should let go of your neediness. Your husband is probably stressed, which adds to his rudeness, and he is struggling to deal with your emotional requirements. 

You may fear his rudeness is a sign the relationship is over, which will make you hold on even tighter, but like quicksilver, you are squeezing him from your hands. Let go, stop making him responsible for your feelings, and live your own life, meeting your own needs.

Step Three: Use Written Communication 

I remember my friend, Amanda, and her husband. They were eventually arguing so badly that the only way they could have meaningful communication was via text message. 

Since they were both emotionally volatile, they finally resorted to only communicating via text message. This way, they could remove some of the emotiveness that their spoken conversations had. It was a way to diffuse their interactions and stop from exploding. 

Write letters, post-it notes, or go for sending messages online to ask tough questions and reconnect with caring and compassion when there is no emotional baggage that in-person communications may have.

Step Four: He May Have A Point 

Ok, so your rude husband may be a less-than-perfect husband, but he may also have a point. His rudeness at pointing out your flaws may be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. 

When your husband seems to be rude and hypercritical of you, it’s time to reflect inward. Has he got a point? Do you have something you need to change? Take the initiative to change, modeling the kind of behavior you want from him in yourself.

Step Five: Connect Again 

You may find that when you are facing rudeness in your relationship, your communication tends to circle the incidents of rudeness, fighting, and recriminations. Break the cycle by showing genuine interest in your partner again. 

Don’t let your marriage disintegrate into constant bickering over his behavior. If you can’t reconnect with him on other grounds, how can you convince him your relationship is worth changing for?

Step Six: Tell Him Straight 

The first time my husband snapped at me, devaluing my opinion, I used this trick to make him aware of his pain-inflicting behavior. As he put me down for being silly or stupid in his opinion, I responded by calmly saying “Oucha” and walking away. This also meant I didn’t have to be further hurt since I could empower myself by walking away.

Since you aren’t arguing back, and you’ve stripped him of his audience by walking away, your husband will be forced to engage in self-reflection. This is the start of self-insight and awareness of your needs and pains. Don’t hide it, and don’t try to redirect your pain at him. Instead, simply express it, move away, and wait as he realizes that something has happened and he’s responsible. 

You can also choose to tell him up front that his behavior is unacceptable to you as it crosses your boundaries within the relationship. Be sure to do so in a quiet authoritative way and not get emotional.

Step Seven: Decide What Is Acceptable And What Isn’t

Disrespect has a way of reducing you to a rag-lady: someone who isn’t respected and who will simply accept disrespect without causing too much of a fuss. You need to decide what is acceptable in a relationship and remind your husband of this. 

Couples aren’t supposed to run each other down, and they aren’t really meant to scream at each other over trivial things. Tell him, “I don’t think that’s how a husband should speak to his wife” or “Dear, you are not behaving like a gentleman today” or “What about that response makes you think it’s acceptable?”

Step Eight: What Do You And He Sound Like? 

Sometimes, it’s not what you say but how you say it. When you speak to him, do you speak in a normal tone of voice or do you whine and grate on his nerves? Use your tone of voice to speak with the powerful authority that is yours as his wife. 

Use a level tone of voice, encouraging conversation by not raising your voice or pitching it with sudden changes in tone when you speak. Women are not the only ones sensitive to tone of voice. 

Step Nine: Take A Look In The Mirror 

Do you or he know what rudeness looks like in your relationship? Chances are that neither of you really do. Recording yourselves while you hang out is a great way to get a real reality check. 

Are you perhaps saying things that wind him up? Is he constantly putting you down or belittling you? See what your relationship’s interactions really look like, notice things, point these out, and share a discussion about them.

If recording yourselves is too awkward, then you may consider getting outside help and insights. This is where a couples therapist can be really helpful. Their observations could prove useful in seeing yourselves as you appear on the outside. They may point out areas of your interaction with each other you haven’t considered.

Step 10: Initiate Change By Apologizing 

Be sure to look not only for the problems with your husband’s rudeness. Have you not also been pitching in your two-cents worth? 

If you have been wrong, apologize. Listen to him when he says he’s not happy with something you’ve done. If you have been in the wrong, own up and show him how it’s done. Tell him, “I’m sorry that I said XYZ; it was disrespectful.” However, remember there should be no “and” or “but” to it. 

You are aiming for an unconditional apology. Would you like it if he apologized to you for being rude, only to add in his “but,” explaining why it’s really your fault? Show him the respect that comes from a genuine apology, and you may be surprised when he starts to treat you much better before you know it.

How To Deal With My Rude Husband FAQS 

What is a disrespectful husband?

This is a husband who treats his wife as being less than she is. He values her less than he values himself.

Why are husbands disrespectful to their wives?

Often, men will disrespect their wives because they are suffering from low self-esteem and gain a sense of superiority by being rude to their wives. By making them alert to their behavior and encouraging them in other and healthy ways, a wife can help her husband feel good about himself and about treating her with respect too.

What do you do when your husband doesn’t respect you?

• Show him how you want to be treated.
• Take the pressure off him by tending to your own needs.
• Avoid giving him an opportunity to ridicule you when he’s clearly stressed. 
• Honor him to have him honor you.
• Maintain a standard of what is respectful behavior and remind him of that by leading through your own example.

Conclusion 

Living with a partner who disrespects you is not easy, and it can be a real challenge to try and convince him of the error of his ways. Like me, you may also have wondered, “Why is my husband always rude to me?” And while there are no easy answers, the power to initiate and ask for change is in your hands.

Lead by example, honor him, make him aware of times when his comments have hurt you, and avoid getting sucked into the tit-for-tat game. Once you and your partner have set a standard of what is acceptable communication and respectful behavior, hold each other accountable to that. 

You are most probably here to find out how to live with a narcissist husband. But is it even possible or healthy for you? That’s a valid question and one this article takes care of as well. 

Honestly, we are all a little selfish by nature. After all, we are human. But overcoming this tendency is a must if you are to live a fulfilling life. A hallmark of true love is putting the needs of another before yours, at least for the most part. Narcissism negates that.

Ever heard of Narcissus? He is a character in Greek mythology who was famous for his beauty. The story goes that he fell in love with his own reflection rather than pursue romantic relationships. Guess what? His character is the origin of the term “narcissist,” which means “an unhealthy obsession with oneself.” 

So, should you call it quits and leave if your husband is a narcissist? After all, you deserve better, right? However, you shouldn’t jump the gun just yet, especially if you love your spouse. Here’s why: 

Your husband isn’t being intentionally cruel; he is sick. Yes, that’s right! A narcissistic personality disorder is a medical condition. This means with the right information, you can find a sustainable solution. All hope isn’t lost. 

So, hang in there. Help has arrived on how you should deal with a narcissist spouse. To start you off, here are the signs that you are dealing with a narcissist husband.

Is Your Husband Really A Narcissist? 

Before going any further, you have to be absolutely sure your husband is a narcissist. After all, he wasn’t like that when you met, right? 

This is a confusing issue to deal with. However, with the right information, you can approach it head-on without second-guessing yourself. Here are the major giveaways that you are dealing with a husband who is a narcissist.

Gaslighting

Being gaslighted is a traumatizing experience. It’s a situation where your spouse makes you doubt your sanity. 

For example, you confront him on an issue, and before you know it, he has turned the tables on you. Suddenly, it’s your fault. Why can’t you be understanding? Are you sure you aren’t becoming your mother? This is why your past relationships didn’t amount to much. 

Narcissists love this approach; why? It shifts the blame from them. Not only that, but by also breaking you down mentally, they become ‘better’ than you. 

It’s a sickening practice, honestly. 

Negative Criticism

It is impossible to be okay with everything your spouse does. It’s completely natural to disagree on issues in a marriage. But if your husband is prone to negative criticism, then you have a major problem. 

Couples in healthy relationships talk things out; it’s the adult way of solving problems. But you can’t come to an agreement if your husband is selfish and constantly ridicules your efforts, talks you down, or just straight-up insults you. 

A narcissist husband does this to inflate his ego or escape responsibility. This is heartbreaking because you might end up believing you are inadequate. 

A ‘Grey’ Marriage

Do you remember what courting was like? The intense attention he gave you? His elaborate gestures of dedication? His endless declarations of undying love? Those were the good times. 

This is probably why you fell for him. It sucks but narcissists know that as women, we are suckers for romance and charm. 

When it suits him, such a person will make you believe you are the only thing he cares about. However, once you are married, the facade drops. The colorful courting is replaced by a grey, dull, and depressing marriage where romance and laughter are in short supply. 

There is a reason for this. Like players, a narcissist views every woman as a conquest. He will go to great lengths to get you with the sole intention of inflating their ego. Once the ‘conquest’ ends, he makes you his emotional punching bag. 

Serenades become insults, and instead of making you laugh, he ridicules you. A complete 180 turn of events that makes you doubt your sanity.

He Intentionally Makes You Jealous

No self-respecting man goes out of his way to make a woman feel bad about herself. It’s just plain wrong. 

But try telling this to a narcissist spouse. It’s a way of making you seek his approval on every issue. It’s messed up, but it works. Think about it. If someone you love compares you to other women or repeatedly flirts around, wouldn’t it make you feel inadequate? 

As a result, you might go out of your way to try and meet his ridiculous standards. In a sick way, he gets to boost his fragile self-esteem and control you in one fell swoop. 

I know, it’s cold and absolutely Machiavellian. 

He Is Incredibly Jealous

Oh! The sweet irony. 

A self-obsessed spouse is okay with making you jealous but he blows a fuse when your attention goes to someone else. Apparently, don’t dish it out if you can’t take it is a foreign concept to narcissists. 

It always has to be about him ;your career, friends, and family can take a hike. God forbid that another man shows you attention, even if it’s harmless.

Yes, men are territorial by nature. But would a stable spouse be jealous of your child? Of course not! But studies show that narcissistic husbands react irrationally after you give birth. 

Now, it can swing both ways. He will either resent the fact that you have to focus on the newborn, or he will ignore you completely and focus solely on the child. Either way, it’s not a healthy situation. 

Lack Of Empathy

A narcissist will always put himself first in every situation.

As you know, this turns marriage into a hellish experience. A relationship is a two-way street with give and take. If your husband disregards your feelings and doesn’t view you as an equal, then what’s the point? You can’t depend on him, he won’t support you in any meaningful way, and he will only chip in when it benefits him. 

Without empathy, your marriage is as good as dead. The problem is, a self-obsessed husband will shift the blame on you when you bring up the issue. He will insist you are hard-to-please, ungrateful, and prone to complaining. 

That said, how do you deal with a narcissist husband? That’s what you will be learning next. 

How To Live With A Narcissist Husband

Living with a narcissist is by no means a picnic. While calling it quits and jumping ship might seem like a good idea, there are tried and tested ways of dealing with a narcissist. Read on to find out more. 

Don’t Be Baited

A common trait with all narcissists is that they love attention; they will do anything and everything to get you to focus on them. Understanding this is important. It allows you to see the attention-seeking antics for what they are. 

Make no mistake, this won’t be a cakewalk. Remember, narcissists are master manipulators. Since your husband knows you well, he will know which buttons to push. 

You have to keep your head on a swivel when you are dealing with him. Watch what he says and reflect before reacting. It’s exhausting, but this way, you won’t easily fall for his tactics. This applies to both positive and negative behaviors. Don’t assume anything. 

By meeting unreasonable behavior with calm and composure, he is denied the satisfaction of drawing a reaction from you. That’s precisely how to handle a narcissistic husband without confrontation.

Set Up Boundaries

Setting up boundaries in a marriage might seem like overkill. But desperate times call for desperate measures. Don’t let a narcissistic husband have his way every time. Set a line in the sand and let him know when he crosses it. 

The problem with a self-absorbed husband is when you give him an inch, he will take a mile. You have to foot down on issues that make you uncomfortable. 

Now, there is a high chance that he will start an argument if you take this approach. But remember, don’t take his bait. It’s what he expects. 

Call him out on his actions with resolve. Don’t waiver when he throws a tantrum. That’s how to deal with a narcissist spouse hell-bent on denying you freedom.

After all, what else can he do? Sulk? Insult you? Ignore you? Unless you allow it, these tactics have no power over you. Setting up boundaries shows him you mean business, and you will not be pushed around. 

Of course, this won’t happen overnight. It takes time, determination, and grit. 

Stand Up For Yourself

Despite what your experience living with a narcissist has made you believe, you have an iron will. 

It might be suppressed as a result of an unhealthy marriage, but make no mistake, it is deep within you. Nurturing it back to life is the only way you can survive a narcissistic spouse. So, how can you do this? 

By standing up for yourself. 

Like I said earlier, call out your spouse when he does something you don’t agree with. Of course, he will use every trick in his book to turn the tables on you but don’t back down. 

A word of advice: Though it takes time, you have to suppress your anger in such situations. Yes, you have every right to be pissed off. But, giving in to your rage is playing right into his hands.

While anger is a powerful emotion, it’s useless against a self-absorbed spouse. Instead, meet him head-on with a clear and rational mind. 

Think about it. How would you handle an unreasonable child? By shouting at them, therefore lowering yourself to their level, or by taking the high road? 

Dealing with a narcissist husband shouldn’t be any different. 

This won’t be easy by any means. But, before you can walk, you must first crawl. It’s all about consistency. Chip away at the problem bit by bit. Re-learning how to love someone, especially a spouse with narcissist tendencies, is a grueling process. 

In time, you will be able to stare him down without flinching. You will break down his irrational and selfish demands with cool and rational counterarguments. 

He will come to realize that you are not his emotional plaything but a self-aware woman who won’t take his nonsense lying down. Now, how to handle a narcissist husband like a pro.

Do Not Make Excuses For Him

Even though you love your husband, making excuses for his hurtful behavior isn’t healthy. Yes, narcissism is a disorder, but this doesn’t excuse the negative ways in which he treats you. 

He knows better. 

Otherwise, he wouldn’t have bothered with wooing you before tying the knot. Despite what he tells you, your self-obsessed spouse is terrified at the prospect of losing you.

His selfish behavior is meant to make you think that you need him more. In truth, it is the other way around. 

Let me let you in on a secret: Narcissists have fragile egos. It’s why they need constant validation and adoration. This proves one thing: You are still in control. 

But, making excuses for your husband means you will end up blaming yourself for his behavior. Of course, this is what a narcissist wants: someone else taking the responsibility for their mess. If you decide to make your marriage work, then you will have to see your husband for what he is. 

This is the foundation of handling a narcissist spouse. Otherwise, your self-esteem will be destroyed in the course of your marriage. 

Go Back To ‘Doing Your Thing’ 

Narcissists want what they cannot have. 

Remember what you were like before falling for your husband? You had a life of your own. 

From dreams and aspirations to goals that kept you motivated. You probably kept in touch with your family and your circle of friends. You had hobbies of your own and ideas that kept you up at night.

So, what changed? 

You became isolated, and all you could think about was making your husband be madly in love with you. But there is only one problem: No matter how much effort you give, it’s never enough. 

It is possible that over time, you distanced yourself from your friends and family. You gave up your hobbies and your goals and took a back seat. But don’t beat yourself up. 

Despite how you might feel, it isn’t your fault and the damage isn’t permanent. Rebuilding your life and patching up old relationships will get your mind off your unhealthy marriage. Of course, your husband won’t welcome this change. 

After all, he needs you to be isolated and dependent on him. Reigniting your sense of independence will work wonders for your mental well-being. Don’t be afraid to seek help. You don’t have to hope to do this by yourself, and you don’t have to. 

Friends and family will serve as a support system in your darkest times. Spending time with them will remind you what it’s like being the center of attention for a change. Be resolute, don’t waver in your course. 

You had a life before your marriage, and you can still rebuild it regardless of your current predicament. While this process will take time, the end result will be worth it. 

The best part? It’s a win-win situation for you. 

Your husband can either come along on your terms or be relegated to the sidewalk. His choice. 

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Is Narcissism A Personality Disorder? 

Yes, it is. Otherwise referred to as NPD, it is listed with other mental disorders. Examples include schizoid personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and others. The best way to approach narcissism personality disorder is by seeking medical advice. 

Now, your husband might not be open to the idea. However, you might get through to him by explaining how his behavior is damaging your marriage. 

A mental health professional will provide a diagnosis and provide sustainable solutions to the problem. But there is a catch. 

Narcissists are master manipulators and liars. Unless he wants help, your husband will try to fool the doctor. And the sad part is, there is a high chance he will succeed. 

Can A Narcissist Person Become Physically Abusive?

It’s a coin toss. 

It depends on your husband’s predisposition to violence and his personality. However, it could happen to you, especially if you don’t take a stand early on in your marriage. 

Remember, a narcissist will slowly push your boundaries trying to figure out how much you can take. This is why it is important to stand up for yourself. 

Do not make the mistake of excusing abusive behavior. Being self-obsessed is one thing; abuse is a whole other ball game. Call him out for it and notify your loved one the moment it happens. It will keep him in check. 

A word of advice. There is no point in staying in an abusive marriage. You are better off walking away instead. Trust me, nothing is worth that level of disrespect.

Can A Narcissist Husband Change? 

In all honesty, it depends on his personality and the value he places on your relationship. Remember, most narcissists do not realize they have a problem. 

If your husband doesn’t want to lose you, then he will take the necessary steps to be a better man. It will be hard but he will change for the better over time. 

However, if your spouse is drunk on his inflated ego, then nothing can be done. You will have to decide whether to leave or stay. It all depends on you. Choose wisely. 

All that said, now the ball is in your court. Armed with all this information, you will be in a perfect position to make the right decision on how to deal with a narcissist spouse.