Dating a Popular Guy? Don’t Let His Options Lower Your Standards

Dating can be a little like real estate.

In dating as in real estate there are varying degrees of value. For instance, you may have a man who is handsome, has money, and has a charming personality that all the ladies love as well as a house with curb appeal and a kitchen and bathroom that will make you get in an emotional bidding war with several other buyers.

And often times, these bidding wars end up with someone paying a lot more for the property than they should have!

I wrote that years ago, and when I read it now, I still think there’s something interesting in the comparison.

When you’re dating a popular guy who gets a lot of female attention, it can be surprisingly easy to confuse demand with value.

Everyone seems to want him. Women notice when he walks into a room. He’s charming, attractive, socially confident, and probably well aware that he has options.

None of that means he isn’t a great guy.

But none of it means he is, either.

Are You Interested in Him, or His Curb Appeal?

This is where the real-estate comparison gets interesting.

Well as human beings often times we are most likely in the first situation and we want that house with everything perfected! We don’t want to have to do any work. The problem is that everyone else wants that same house.

This is the same with the man that seemingly has it all. Everyone wants to be with that man! And sometimes what happens in situations like this is that the man is actually overvalued.

And if you do win, you might find out that you paid way more for it emotionally than you should have.

That doesn’t mean a popular man is automatically overvalued. It means other people’s interest can influence our own perception of someone’s value.

You may tolerate inconsistency because he has so many options. Work harder for his attention because other women want it, too. Or start treating dating like a competition where “winning” means being the woman he chooses.

At that point, it’s worth asking a question that has nothing to do with the other women:

What do I actually like about him?

Not what everyone else likes. Not how desirable he appears. Not how good it would feel to be the person he picked.

Him.

What About the House Without the Curb Appeal?

Alternatively, you can have a house that has no curb appeal and needs a little work on the inside and some sprucing up on the outside. Seasoned real estate investors know that this type of property is GOLD.

The original article compared that house to the guy women tend to overlook, the man who doesn’t immediately attract everyone’s attention at a party.

There’s still something I like about that idea, but I’d explain it differently now.

Sometimes attraction grows once you know someone.

The man who doesn’t immediately command the room may turn out to be funny, thoughtful, interesting, confident, affectionate, or incredibly easy to be around. Qualities that don’t announce themselves from across the room can become much more important once you’re actually in a relationship.

But I wouldn’t tell you to date an overlooked man because you can polish him up or because he’ll be more grateful that you chose him.

He’s not a fixer-upper.

And being unpopular doesn’t automatically make someone a hidden gem any more than being popular automatically makes someone a bad investment.

The point of looking beyond curb appeal isn’t to find someone you can fix, polish up, or make better, whatever “better” means to you.

It’s about expanding your options. That doesn’t mean settling. It means being open to someone who may not immediately catch your eye and giving yourself the chance to notice what’s beyond the exterior.

You may find that what’s on the inside feels a lot better to you than the curb appeal ever suggested.

You Still Have to Inspect the House

There’s another part of the real-estate analogy worth keeping.

A beautiful house can have plumbing problems.

And a house that needs a coat of paint can have a fantastic foundation.

Dating isn’t that different.

Charm, looks, money, clothes, popularity, and social confidence are easy to notice. Character takes longer. So does reliability. You have to spend some time with someone before you know how he handles disappointment, whether his words match his actions, how he treats people when there’s nothing to gain, and what it actually feels like to be close to him.

Those things don’t always have much curb appeal.

But they matter enormously once you move in.

What If You Still Want the Popular Guy?

Sometimes you just want what you want. You want the guy who has it all, good looks, charming & handsome.

I’m not mad at you girl!

Neither am I going to tell you to avoid a man simply because other women find him attractive.

If you like him, get to know him.

Just don’t enter the bidding war.

You don’t have to prove you’re prettier, more interesting, less demanding, more mysterious, or somehow more worthy than every other woman who might want him. And you certainly don’t need to create your own imaginary “waiting list” of men to make him afraid of losing you.

Let him show you whether he’s interested. Then pay attention to whether his interest is enough for you.

A man having plenty of options doesn’t mean you should accept less from him.

And his popularity doesn’t make your standards negotiable.

Maybe Curb Appeal Isn’t the Best Measure of Value

When I revisit this article now, that’s where I land.

There is nothing wrong with wanting the French doors, remodeled bathroom and kitchen, mowed lawn, bay windows, recessed lighting, solar windows, the whole package.

Just remember that curb appeal tells you how something looks from the street.

It doesn’t tell you what it’s like to live there.

The same is true when you’re dating a popular guy. Other people’s interest can tell you he’s desirable. It can’t tell you whether he’s kind, compatible with you, emotionally available, trustworthy, or someone whose company you genuinely enjoy.

And sometimes the person who doesn’t create an immediate bidding war becomes much more interesting once you walk through the door.

So notice the curb appeal. Enjoy it, even.

Just don’t confuse it with the value of the relationship you’re actually being offered.