What Do Men Find Attractive? 3 Things That Make Attraction Grow

Being attractive to someone and being someone they become deeply interested in are not the same thing.

Physical attraction may get someone’s attention. But attraction that grows over time usually has a lot more to do with who you are once someone gets to know you.

That’s the part we don’t talk about nearly as much.

When women ask, “What do men find attractive?” the conversation can quickly turn into appearance: what to wear, how to do your hair, what body type men prefer, how confident you’re supposed to look.

But a man can think you’re beautiful and still not feel a deeper connection with you.

And someone else can become more attractive to him the more he gets to know her.

So perhaps the better question isn’t simply:

What do men find attractive?

It’s:

What makes attraction grow?

And while no list can tell you what every man will find attractive, there are a few qualities that can make it easier for someone to become interested in the person you actually are.

Have a Mind of Your Own

Years ago, I was having dinner with my brother and we started talking about relationships and marriage.

Eventually, the conversation turned to one of his ex-girlfriends.

I had always thought she seemed nice, so I asked him why the relationship ended.

His answer surprised me.

He said she didn’t have a mind of her own.

She agreed with almost everything he said. Whatever he wanted to do was fine. Whatever he liked, she seemed to like too.

At the time, I remember thinking:

Wait. Don’t men want women who are agreeable?

But I think there was something more important underneath what he was saying.

He wanted to know her.

Having your own opinions, preferences and boundaries gives someone the opportunity to actually get to know you.

If he suggests seeing a horror movie and horror movies terrify you so much that you’ll be sleeping with the lights on for three days, you don’t have to pretend you love horror movies because you really like him.

Tell him you’d rather see something else.

It seems like such a small thing, but these small moments are how another person begins discovering who you are.

What makes you laugh?

What annoys you?

What do you believe?

What won’t you tolerate?

What do you absolutely love?

You don’t need to disagree just for the sake of appearing independent. You also don’t need to agree just for the sake of being liked.

The more you mold yourself around what you think someone wants, the harder it becomes for him to determine whether he’s actually compatible with you.

Don’t Pretend to Have a Life. Have One.

I once had a friend who believed being “too available” would make men lose interest.

So when a guy asked her out, she would sometimes pretend she already had plans.

She wasn’t actually busy.

She just wanted him to think she was.

For a while, the strategy seemed to work. But eventually some of the men realized what she was doing, and what was supposed to make her appear more desirable started feeling like a game.

There’s an important difference between pretending to be unavailable and having a life you genuinely value.

When it’s real, you don’t have to fake it.

If you already have plans with your friends, you don’t necessarily need to cancel them because someone you’ve just started dating suddenly becomes available.

If Saturday is the day you’re working on something important to you, that matters too.

If you’ve promised yourself you’re finally going to take that class, visit your mother, finish that project or simply spend the evening doing something you enjoy, a new romantic interest doesn’t automatically have to move to the front of the line.

That doesn’t mean you should become rigid.

Sometimes you’ll want to change your plans because you’re excited to see him. That’s okay too.

The point isn’t to strategically ration your availability.

It’s to resist the temptation to make a new man the center of your life before he’s actually earned that place in it.

There’s something attractive about someone who already has a life she’s interested in living.

Not because she’s trying to appear hard to get.

Because she’s genuinely engaged with her own life.

Let Him Know When His Effort Matters to You

There’s another piece of attraction that I used to think about very differently.

I once believed that men were especially attracted to women who “respected their manhood” by allowing them to provide, pay for dates, open doors and take care of things.

I wouldn’t put it that way anymore.

Men aren’t all motivated by the same things, and masculinity doesn’t depend on whether a woman lets a man pay for dinner.

But I do think there was something useful underneath that idea.

People like knowing that their efforts matter.

And some men genuinely enjoy expressing affection through what they do.

He may plan the date.

Fix something that’s broken.

Drive across town to help you.

Bring you something you mentioned weeks ago.

Open the door.

Pick up the check.

Make your life a little easier simply because he wants to.

If those gestures feel good to you, you don’t have to minimize them or immediately prove that you could have done everything yourself.

You can simply receive them.

Say thank you.

Let him know you noticed.

Enjoy being cared for.

Receiving isn’t the same thing as performing helplessness. And appreciating a man’s effort doesn’t require making yourself smaller so he can feel bigger.

It simply gives another person the experience of knowing:

What I do for you matters to you.

That kind of appreciation can deepen connection in ways that have very little to do with traditional dating rules.

Attraction Isn’t the Same as Compatibility

There’s something else I wish more women heard when asking what men find attractive.

You can be attractive and still not be someone’s person.

You can be confident, interesting, warm, independent, beautiful and emotionally available and encounter a man who doesn’t want a relationship with you.

That doesn’t automatically mean you did something wrong.

Sometimes two people simply aren’t compatible.

Sometimes the chemistry isn’t there.

Sometimes they want different lives.

Sometimes the timing is terrible.

And sometimes one person feels something the other person doesn’t.

That’s why trying to figure out exactly what men want can become exhausting.

Because there isn’t one version of a woman that every man wants.

One man may love that you’re outspoken. Another may find it overwhelming.

One may admire your ambition. Another may want a completely different lifestyle.

One may think your weird sense of humor is one of the best things about you. Someone else won’t understand it at all.

The goal can’t be universal appeal.

So, What Do Men Find Attractive?

Different men find different things attractive.

But if you’re looking beyond physical appearance, there’s a theme running through many of the qualities we tend to find compelling in other people.

They feel like themselves.

They have opinions.

They have interests.

They have boundaries.

They have a life.

They can appreciate another person’s effort without losing themselves inside the relationship.

And most importantly, they’re not constantly editing themselves in hopes of becoming whatever they think another person wants.

Because ultimately, the goal isn’t to become the kind of woman men find attractive.

It’s to become comfortable enough with who you are that the right man has something real to be attracted to.

And when it’s real, you won’t have to fake it.