Relationship Blackbook

Stronger Connections, Happier Relationships

Robyn Lee

Long Relationship Issues:How Do I Keep Him Interested In Me?

“I have no problem attracting men that I want BUT after the first few dates they tend to pull away. I’m currently dating a guy and he replys everytime I text him BUT he doesn’t initiate communication any more and doesn’t ask me out. What can I do to make him want to be with me?”

By James Taylor 

Regarding the specific situation with this guy, you say that you are currently dating him, but he doesn’t initiate communication with you now and doesn’t ask you out.

Are you actually still doing anything with him at the moment, or do you consider yourself to be “currently dating” him because you have gone out with him a few times and have not officially broken up?

If you haven’t gone out with him for a few weeks or you’re having to push him into doing stuff with you by continually inviting him out, it is a pretty clear-cut situation.

This is that the guy has decided that you’re not the one for him and he’s probably just trying to give you “the hint” by not calling you any more.

As a guy I can assure you that when we find a woman we are excited about and things are going well, we won’t stop calling or trying to get together with her – unless there is a VERY, VERY good reason not to. [Of course though, we might try to play things cool by only contacting her every two or three days.]

Even if something like a family tragedy occurs, we would probably still contact the woman and tell her that we are not going to be able to see her for a while.

So the bottom line is that there is probably nothing now that you can do to make him
want to be with you, as he no longer appears to be interested.

Your only slight hope is that if you stop texting him, he may begin missing you and start contacting you again. However, if you keep initiating contact with him it is only going to make you look desperate and seem like a pest.

It is actually very important at the beginning of a relationship that the guy is the one to initiate most of the contact, as this keeps the masculine-feminine dynamic in the right balance (men are naturally hunters and do not normally respond so well when they become the hunted).

But now, let’s look at the bigger picture – the trend of your recent dating life:

The Bigger Picture

You have no problem attracting the kind of men you want, but they tend to back away from you after the first few dates.

Obviously, you are doing a lot of stuff right. These men have initial interest in you and they are motivated to act on it.

This is great because many women have trouble even getting this far. [For those women in this position, please have a read of my article, “How to Get a Guy to Like You”, as it provides some important information on gaining a man’s interest and attention.]

My advice is that since you are not having any trouble getting new dates, you should try to let go of the outcome of finding “the one” and instead focus on just having fun – then let the chips fall where they may.

Don’t get so emotionally attached to any one guy after only a few dates. You don’t know him well enough to determine whether he would be a good long-term fit for you in such a short time. Furthermore, you could easily meet someone even better the following week.

Remove the pressure from every interaction and take the longer view of it being a numbers game in which you have to sort through a lot of guys to find your “perfect match”. That way, you will also appear a lot more attractive as it helps to eliminate the perceptions of neediness and of having an agenda which we will discuss in the second part of this article.

https://relationshipblackbook.com/two-behaviors-that-cause-men-to-pull-away/

About our Guest Poster:

James is a dating and relationships author and coach who specializes in teaching women how to attract the man of their dreams, make him fall madly in love, and then  keep him interested over the long haul. He runs a website Attract Men Easily which provides cutting-edge information on these topics.

 

How to Get a Man’s Attention: One Way That Always Works

I just wanted to share with you this quick tip with you that is really effective in resetting your relationship. I’m going to explain later how exactly it works and your mindset while using it.

This is highly effective on men, but I wouldn’t suggest using it in your relationships with women, it usually has the opposite effect.

I named it “The Man Reset Button”.

A lot of times in relationships and dating, you find that a man is really interested in you at first and then he starts to pull back. It seems that this happens at the height of your relationship, so it really sucks! Even if you’ve been dating him for a while, sometimes men pull back, and it seems that it is for no apparent reason.

As a woman, you may naturally want to question him and ask him about the relationship and where he feels the relationship is headed, big no no. Or you may even want to exert more effort to show him that you really care about him. And if you’ve done the latter, you know this just makes him pull farther away.

But the MOST effective thing you can do in these situations is to just STOP.

What the heck do I mean STOP?

I mean that you have to just stop what you are doing, and press the reset button. Where’s the reset button? The reset button is when you REFOCUS your life back on you.

You may never know the exact reason why he pulls back and chances are neither does he. But focusing on what you did wrong or trying to show him you really like him is INEFFECTIVE. Trust me, I’ve tried it for years and it doesn’t work.

What IS effective is not contacting him. I know what you are thinking. But if I don’t contact him, what if he never calls me back or thinks I have lost interest? Alright, I really want you to think about this question. Where in this question does it show YOUR value at all? You’ve just put him on a pedestal.

You’ve actually put yourself in chasing mode. What you should be thinking about is how wonderful a person you are and how awesome you are. Love yourself. If he can’t see that through all your love and care you showed him, does he really deserve to be a part of your life?

Start being more selective and allow him to see that you have value as well.

So here’s all you need to do:

Stop calling him or contacting him and focus on yourself. It may be hard the first couple of days, but once you get past the initial feeling of loss; you will enjoy refocusing your life on yourself.

And if you refocus on yourself properly, you will find you won’t even care if he calls back or not. But chances are, if you are doing this right, you’ll get a call.

Robyn

 

If You Do This…You Will Always Fail In Relationships

What the heck do thermostats and thermometers have to do with relationships?

Well you know that I often use analogies when I teach about relationships, but have I gone too far?

Let me explain.

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to a friend of mine on Skype. As he received my phone call I waited for him to turn on his video.

And as I waited, I told him, “I’m not going to turn on my video unless you turn on yours” – Now I had a very good reason for this.

Personally, I just think it’s weird if you’re on Skype or video conferencing software and one person has on video while the other person doesn’t. It just feels so Wizard of Ozish.

Remember when the lion, scarecrow, and tin man requested what they wanted from Oz, but they could never actually see Oz in person? That’s how it feels for me. So I made a decision after a couple of weird phone conversations that it was video on for both parties or video off.

But what he said when he turned on his video made me think a little bit. He said so you are a thermometer instead of a thermostat?

I was a little confused at first until he explained what he meant.

“A thermometer adjusts to the temperature that is already in the room, while a thermostat sets the temperature.”

So by waiting for him to turn on his video, I was acting as a thermometer and allowing him “the thermostat” to control the situation.

Although I could argue whether I was actually being a thermometer or thermostat in that particular situation, I realized his analogy could be applied to relationships.

How The Heck Does This Apply to Relationships?

As I’ve hosted this relationship website for over 3 years, I have found that most relationship problems that women have is because they are acting in “Thermometer” mode.

If you are a thermometer you are in reaction mode. This means that whatever a man does, you always react to it.

He didn’t call, so you react to it, your temperature is now hot, you start to wonder why he isn’t calling you.

He called, so you react to it, your temperature is now cool, because at least now you know he was thinking enough about you to call.

He looked at another woman, so you react to it, your temperature is now hot, because you start to feel insecure.

He asks you out on a date, so you react to it, your temperature is now cool, because you start thinking about how much he likes you.

He ignores you, so you react to it, your temperature is now hot, because you start to wonder what is going on with him.

He starts to show how much he likes you at first and then doesn’t contact you for two weeks, so you react to it, you are now hot, because you are trying to figure out what you did to make him act in this way.

He buys you flowers, so you react to it, your temperature is now cool, because obviously he likes you.

Do you see yourself in these statements?

Then you are a thermometer. And let me tell you it doesn’t feel very good to be a thermometer. You feel frustrated, out of control, and angry when the temperature isn’t right.

You constantly are experiencing highs and lows. You are happy when he (the thermostat) does something that shows he likes you, but then when he pulls away a bit, you become sad and wonder what you did wrong.

The life of a thermometer is not a very happy one, because you are not in control of the situation. And when you lose control, you act in a frenzy and do some silly things that causes a man to think you’re “crazy”.

Can I be honest with you?

Being a thermometer SUCKS!

Whatever the Thermostat (your love interest) does, you are always in reaction mode. This means you are waiting for his calls, you are canceling things you have going on in your life because he asks you out, or you are thinking about him constantly, affecting your quality of life.

And if you are already in a relationship, you are pacing yourself on his timing and what he does, always reacting to his actions.

Alright I get it, I don’t want to be a thermometer anymore, how do I become a thermostat?

Being a thermostat requires a constant commitment to yourself.

Women who are thermostats set the temperature for relationships and in turn men become the thermometer wanting to raise their temperature to the occasion (alright that’s really corny- but it’s true).

How would you like for him to be the one trying to figure out how he can go out with you or how he can meet you, instead of the other way around?

How would you like for him to be the one trying to figure out when he can spend time with you?

How would you like to know how you can finally RELAX when it comes to relationships?

This is what you will need to do.

It’s really simple but for some reason it’s hard for a lot of women to implement. Here’s what I want you to do to get to thermostat status.

Focus on Yourself. Love Yourself. Enjoy What is Going On In Your Life.

What does focusing on yourself mean?

This means that you are working your plan for your life and not “reacting” to every situation that comes up with your man.

This means you have a full life. You join clubs, you work out, you have lunch dates or dinner dates with your friends, you do what you like to do.

For some reason, this attracts men better than any tip or technique I can give.

When you have a genuine love for yourself and your life, you become the thermostat. People, not just men, want to be around you.

Here’s my promise:

If you start focusing on yourself and leave all the “man drama” alone, you will find not only will you be happier, but you will find that men take more interest in you.

But there’s one caveat.

You have to do this for you. It shouldn’t be that you are focusing on yourself, just so you can get his attention. This does not work. People see right through it.

The Wrong Way to Become A Thermostat

Alright I got it Robyn, I’m going to be the thermostat and take control. I’m going to walk up to him and take control of the situation and tell him what I want!

NO! NO! and NO!

When you are being the thermostat the right way, there is no need to tell a man what you want, he will know from your actions and your attitude.

The thermostat never tells the thermometer that it is changing the temperature. The thermometer does it gradually as the thermostat changes. Got it?

Making the Choice Everyday to Be a Thermostat.

If you’ve been a thermometer for a long time, it may be difficult for you to just switch it off just like that. That’s why I constantly try to teach the value of continued education. Make sure you are reading and listening to GREAT material that will enhance your relationships and your life.

This does not mean, celebrity blogs or women’s magazines. Often times, they just perpetuate the feelings of scarcity and make you feel worse about yourself. I like “US Weekly” and other celeb magazines just as much as the next person, but it does NOTHING to elevate me to be where I want to be.

If you want to learn how to become the thermostat and have fun doing it, I’m recommending Get A Guy Guide. I’ve read it cover to cover and I have to say that it is the BEST step by step guide on how to use the power of loving yourself and focusing on your desires to get the man you want. It’s over 200 pages of instruction.

Wishing you the best in love and life,

Robyn Lee

Why MOST Women End Up In “BTA” Type Relationships

I started to write a quick post as to why many women fail in relationships and end up in “BTA” situations. What is a “BTA” relationship? It means “better than alone”. I wish I could coin this term but it actually came from a guy named T.W. Jackson, more on him later.

But what I want to get across today is WHY many women fail in relationships and end up in “better than alone” relationships.

Which honestly, a bad or unfulfilling relationship can NEVER be “better than alone”. You agree, right?

But as I have been teaching women about relationships for over 3 years, I have realized what the women who succeed have that women who have little success don’t.

Are you ready for this? Because I believe it’s going to help you in ALL areas of your life, not just relationships.

I have come to find out that the people who truly succeed in relationships and life are those people that have the ability to truly believe the RIGHT information and run with it. And unfortunately, a lot of times these are not the highly intelligent individuals.

How Intelligence Screws You Up

If you are highly intelligent or even just a little, it’s hard for you to believe certain things because you have a lot of questions and people who are intelligent are usually the ones that can figure out all the reasons why something will NOT work. I know, I’m one of them.

For instance if I gave you the statement “You can meet a man and get married within one year’s timeframe” – if you are highly intelligent you’ve probably already thought of 5 or more reasons why that CAN’T work.

It’s really tough to make a change in your life, especially if your current beliefs have been put in your head and supported for most of your life.

Let me give you an example in my own life.

From a very young age, I was always told that my sister was a better dancer than me. When I was younger, I kind of brushed it off, or so I thought.

As I got older, I made the mistake of believing I wasn’t that great of a dancer. And my beliefs made me not even try. It’s even gotten so bad now that close members of my family tell me that I flat out “can’t dance”.

Luckily for me, I’ve never aspired to be a great dancer, BUT think about those beliefs that have been put in you from a very young age. “You’ll never find anyone because you’re too pudgy”, “No one will want to marry you because you are too selfish”, “The only men you are going to attract are really old ones.”

I have no idea WHAT you are hearing from friends, family or so called loved ones, but these things SHAPE your beliefs. And when they are said over and over again, they take over your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words, so you might find yourself saying “All men cheat” or “All men are dogs” not because you necessarily initially believed them yourself BUT because you have heard it so many times.

Your words dictate your actions and your actions determine your success. So if you’ve been hearing some negative things about relationships for a very long time, you can see how that might have had a negative impact on your actions and ultimately your results right?

So my question to you is, what other beliefs have you held on to?

And how hard are those beliefs to change?

In my case I’m still working on changing my belief that “I can’t dance”. You can’t just read ONE book or listen to ONE program and have your beliefs that you have had until you were very young eliminated.

The secret to getting rid of beliefs and STAYING ON TRACK is continuous education and putting that education into action. You need to also hang around people who support your beliefs, because guess what?

The people that support your NEW beliefs talk differently to you and instead of “There’s no good men out there”, you will hang around those that say, “There’s so many good men out there, I’m having trouble choosing ONE” – Do you see the change there? If you hear that enough, your thoughts are going to change as well.

THIS is the reason why many people fail in things they want to do whether it is getting in a good relationship, losing weight, starting a new business. The initial EXCITEMENT is not enough. If it was everyone would be different and achieving new levels of success.

How many times have you had a friend tell you they were excited about something NEW they were doing in their life and then a couple months later, they had given up?

It happens more often than not.

The key is CONTINUOUS belief and they way you have continuous belief is CONTINUOUS education and hanging around those that support your beliefs.

This is key to success in anything. This is why I pointed out in the beginning that intelligent people have a hard time at changing belief systems. People who are able to take the RIGHT information and believe it easily are the ones that make DRASTIC changes in their lives.

So once you decide what you want out of your life, start educating yourself regularly, hang around those people that support your beliefs and most importantly – keep on doing it until it is second nature.

I want you guys to check out this video by T.W. Jackson (the guy who coined “BTA” relationships) about relationships, it’s called Girl Gets Ring and I think it’s going to challenge some long standing beliefs you have had about relationships.

Be sure to watch the full video, because at the end he shares one of the most important things you need to have to move a guy more towards commitment, whether you have a crush on him or have been dating for a while.

Your supporter,

Robyn Lee

The Answer To All Your Man Problems

Alright, maybe I went a little bit overboard on the title but what I’m about to share with you is extremely important in relationships and attraction. If you don’t know how to do this properly, it will be very difficult for you to keep the attraction going in a new relationship or even a more seasoned one.

This concept that I’m about to share is so simple, yet so extremely effective. It’s extremely effective – no it’s not a typo, it’s just that important that I had to repeat it twice.

Here it goes…

The following technique is so vital to relationship success that if you completely ignore it, you WILL be labeled as “needy” or “easy”.

Neither term is flattering.

Last week, I actually received an email from a woman thanking me because she had used this technique effectively to bring attraction back into her relationship.

After she had implemented it in her dating life, the guy she was dating took her out to a nice restaurant and created a very romantic evening for her. But the kicker is – he didn’t even live in the same state as her.

What would cause a man to travel across state lines and wine and dine a woman he is dating?

Ok, as I’m writing, I’m thinking of a couple of things that would make a man do that, BUT that wasn’t the reason.

He did it because she implemented the following technique effectively.

It’s simple, it’s called space.

She gave him space.

I remember her contacting me in frustration telling me how the guy she was dating was into her one minute and then when she reciprocated what she felt, he would pull back a little.

If you dated anyone for some time, you know that this happens, even when you are in the relationship with the person.

I actually recommended a book to her that explained how to pull back effectively. It’s one by Sherry Argove, Why Men Love *itches. Most libraries and bookstores carry it, but if you want to read it I suggest you check out or buy yours now, this information gets sent to a lot of women.

In Relationship Wilderness?

This past weekend I found myself feeling sorry for myself. And I debated a bit on whether I would share this personal story with you but in the end I felt that it would be more helpful to you and your relationships than me keeping my “nothing fazes me” persona.

I figured you needed to know the truth. And I believe society and the media does the world a great disservice when they don’t share real stories and what it actually takes to get to where you want to be.

Sometimes, honestly, it’s just not that easy. It takes a lot of inner focus and hard work.

So I’m going to start the change by sharing my story with you.

This past weekend I sat in my car and I yes, I cried.

But it was only for a moment.

I allow myself to release my frustrations, because I feel it’s a lot more dangerous to keep them bottled up inside.

And then I realized that I was in the wilderness! Are you in the wilderness? (Read more…)

What is the wilderness?

If you are religious or not you will appreciate this story. It’s the story of God bringing the Israelites out of Egypt where they were enslaved for years and bringing them to their promised land (a land that they would own and would no longer have to be slaves).

But God didn’t just fly them to their promised land, they had to walk through the wilderness (a very dry land) and TRUST. They had to believe that they could have the promised land.

Although God had promised them this land, they still had frustrations and had pity parties, probably similar to the one I was having in my car. They would say things like “It was better in Egypt, at least we had food to eat” or “It wasn’t that bad being a slave”.

Do you find yourself saying similar things to this? Looking back and thinking your past is better than your future?

“It was better when I was in the relationship with my ex boyfriend who wasn’t right for me, at least I had a date on the weekends” or “I should just stay in this unfufilling relationship, at least I won’t be lonely” or “I’m just going to date any man, it doesn’t matter how he treats me, it’s better than being alone”

If you find yourself having these thoughts or similar thoughts, you are probably in the wilderness, the in between point of where you have been and where you want to be.

In order to move from the “wilderness” to your “promised land” there are going to be a few things you will have to do:

1. Make a decision

You are going to have to make a decision of what you really want. No one can make this decision for you. If you know that you want a man who treats you well and that you connect with, you are going to have to sacrifice a bit. Be prepared, it might not be that easy but once you do meet your “promised” man he will be well worth the wait.

If you decide that the “promised” land is not for you and you are just happy with being in any relationship, that is also a decision but I don’t think it’s one that you will want to live with. This is because you will always wonder what would have happened if you had just trusted that you would be in a good relationship and made some little sacrifices.

So when I was in my car I made a decision, no matter how long it takes or how much hard work I have to do, I am going to get to where I want to be. I can’t promise that I won’t get frustrated again, and that’s not a promise you have to make either, but no matter how many times I fall, I’m utlimately going to get to where I want to be.

2. Believe

In order to meet your “promised” man you have to believe he’s out there. If you don’t believe that he even exists it’s going to be tough to walk through the wilderness.

Your belief has to be strong. What if you were Donald Trump’s daughter? Would you have any doubt that you would get a Christmas present?

That’s the type of belief you have to have when attracting the man that will be right for you, no doubt that it will eventually happen.

3. Keep moving and take some risks

Once you have made your decision and you have complete belief, it doesn’t stop there. You don’t get the luxury of sitting back and waiting. You have to keep moving.

Keep on doing things that are going to get you closer towards your goal. This may be a conscious effort at smiling at more men when you pass them or working out and eating right so you can feel better about yourself.

You may even have to risk being hurt a few times to finally meet your right man, but it’s all part of the wilderness.

What separates the people who get what they want and those who don’t is that the ones who are committed know that they will fall sometimes, but they keep on moving in spite of it! (I know this video is male dominated, but I feel you will find the message VERY inspiring!)

So keep on moving to you reach your promised land or man:)

What do you think? Are you in the wilderness? Comment below.